Grief Isn’t Just for Death

What is grief?

Grief and loss are not just reserved for death. Grief is purely the response to loss. However, we hardly ever use the wor

We feel grief for all kinds of things:
A life we thought we would have
When something ends - even if it’s a natural and appropriate ending - like retirement, school, uni, a job.

When do we grieve?

Even when there is a ‘happy’ change like getting married or having kids - there is still a loss of what was before - your single life, your child free life. But it’s not always socially acceptable to be sad when you’re moving on to something seemingly good.

It’s ok to grieve and recognize the fact that you aren’t working anymore even though retirement is meant to be wonderful. Maybe you loved your job! Maybe you’ll miss that sense of achievement!

Yes, having a child is a wonderful blessing - but maybe you’ll miss sleeping in! Maybe you’ll miss going out more often. That’s ok.

Grief is not just about death.

Working as a counsellor for Hospice in the Weald has taught me so much about the diversity and variety of ways grief presents to all of us.

How do we grieve?

In all kinds of ways. There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to grieve. There is no specific way to ‘do grief’. I’m sorry, that’s maybe not what you want to hear. We all grieve differently, for different things, people, events. Some times simply talking about the person or thing you have lost is enough. Simply telling someone else how you feel, what that person was like, what you miss about what/who you have lost, is enough. You can take things a step further and explore why you miss those things. Did that person make you feel a certain way and now you find yourself wanting that feeling. Ok, let’s explore where else you can get that feeling. Is it something you can create for yourself? Is there another relationship you can invest in to cultivate that feeling?

Maybe you’re feeling the loss of working. What did you get from working? A sense of achievement, purpose, fullfilment, routine. Where can you get those feelings now? Maybe you need to put some routine in your life even though it may look different. Instead of 9-5, maybe a part time job or volunteer position will fill that need?

Often we’re left with feelings of anger about our loss. Underneath anger is often sadness, and it can be easier to allow ourselves to be angry than to be sad.

Sometimes we’re relieved when someone dies, or something ends, but it can feel unacceptable to allow ourselves that relief.

What to expect from grief counselling

I’ll let you in on a secret, grief counselling isn’t very different from counselling. Simply giving space without judgement to your feelings, expereinces and thoughts, can allow you to feel more open, less anxious, less sad, and more fully understand yourself. You might spend time exploring your relationship to what/who you have lost which could be helpful in allowing you to accept what has happened and move forward. If you’re feeing stuck it’s likely that at first counselling will be difficult, and make things harder for a while. Don’t be discouraged. The more we sit with your feelings and experiences, the easier they will feel.